Many of you have followed my journey over the past couple of months and watched my transformation from ignorant starting artist, to complete train wreck, to semi responsible adult. It has been a wild roller coaster of a ride and now that I look back on where I was one year ago I am completely astounded!
A year ago I was in what I like to call, my irresponsible burnout phase. After 8 consecutive semesters of school I had been living the life of a graduate for around 5 months. Completely exhausted and utterly over trying I spend that time partying, not doing my work, and having one hell of a time.
However, no matter how good of a time I made for myself I still had to come home at the end of the day and wonder why I felt so unbelievably empty inside. There was no reasoning for it in my mind. I had gotten into the school of my dreams, made it through 2-1/2 years of pushing through obstacles and was now living the life of the reckless 21-year-old that I had always dreamed of. Whenever I started feeling depressed about my life choices I reasoned it with the manta, I am 21 years old! I deserve to be an idiot for a while after all of that hard work!! So I continued my decent.
Last December, as many of you remember, was when the
shit hit the fan. I found myself dealing the consequences of my year of partying and had to come to the hard truth.
That I was INCREDIBLY depressed and unhappy with my life.
Why was this? I was living the “dream” as I thought in my mind and I had fantastic friends to support my addictions and poor life decisions. I finally came the conclusion why I was so miserable:
I had forgotten my voice.
Over the next nine months I committed myself back to my music, my health, and my heart. And let me tell you this: Although I have put on the illusion that everything has been wonderful and only going uphill from here, these last nine months have honestly been the toughest in my life.
I have never had to make such life changing choices, put myself at such risk on a daily basis, and made myself get out of my comfort zone each day like I do now.
One year ago I had a job that made me miserable, health that left my devastated, and habits that would only lead to financial ruin, depression, and anxiety.
I now sit in control of my domain. I have my own apartment, work three jobs to keep myself going, work my ass off on a daily basis to promote shows and write new songs, and work on healing myself.
I’m not going to say that everyday is a success because there have definitely been the days where I truly hate myself again. However, I can say that my bad days are 10x better than my “good” days of last year.
So where do I go from here? Forward and upwards with any help! I’m not scared of the fears that plagued me last year and I refuse to let anyone or anything take advantage of me again. I feel stronger than I ever have before and even the less successful days are blessings in disguise.
1) Shows: keeping me on my feet and making me more productive everyday
2) Support: it keeps presenting itself in different avenue each day and I am constantly grateful for it!
3) Love: for myself, my kitten, my friends, my family, and my music
Have a wonderful week everyone!